


California Sunsets

by aegicheezu



Category: BUCK-TICK, Jrock, X JAPAN
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coachella 2018, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Jrock - Freeform, M/M, Making Out, Music, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-04-24 19:14:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14361858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aegicheezu/pseuds/aegicheezu
Summary: Coachella, 2018. Yoshiki is resting after playing on the main stage, and he’s visited by someone he didn’t expect to see – Atsushi. They’ve always been close; since the start. Atsushi is one of the only people that Yoshiki can truly be honest with – but when things begin to get serious, the men rediscover something that had been buried for many years.





	California Sunsets

**Author's Note:**

> *Note: I make several references to a previous fic of mine, “Until the Candle Goes Out,” so please read that one first! Thank you! 
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/12508244

“Domo arigato!” Toshi’s unmistakably high-pitched voice called out to the thousands of people in the crowd. The whole band stood together and joined hands, bowing over and over again, with each crashing wave of applause and cheers. “We are X!”

*

Yoshiki didn’t know how long he spent lying on the floor of the dressing room, catching his breath. Thankfully, after this performance, he hadn’t passed out – but his body was completely drained. The rush of playing at this festival was almost too much for his still-fragile frame to stand; despite his doctors cautions and stern advice, he’d agreed to play at Coachella. And now, lying on the cool linoleum floor, trying desperately to regulate his breath, he almost wished he’d heeded their advice. _Maybe I am getting too old for this, after all,_ he thought. _Still, what a night._

A few minutes ago, he’d told Toshi and the others that he would go back to his house for the night but that they should meet the next day once everyone had rested well. It was often like this; Yoshiki needed time away after a performance, especially these days. The shows took more and more of a toll on him that he’d ever admit; and, if he was really honest with himself, it had been this way since Hide had died. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, smudging his already smoky liner. _Were you watching, from heaven, Hide? Did you see how much people love you, still?_

At last, he rolled over onto his side and stood up, trying to ignore his crying muscles. It was time to go home.

*

**The next morning, Yoshiki’s house**

_Ring. Ring. Ring._

Yoshiki blinked awake and registered that the noise he heard was his cell phone, perched precariously on the edge of his bedside table. He picked it up without looking at the screen to see who it was.

“Hello?” he answered in English, just in case it was one of the American crew. He pinched the bridge of his nose; his head hurt.

“Yochan, it’s me,” a velvet voice spoke coolly in Japanese on the other end. “Were you sleeping?”

“Acchan, it’s you,” Yoshiki smiled in recognition. “Yes, I was,” he replied in Japanese. “What time is it back home?”

“Oh, I’m not in Japan,” he corrected. “I’m actually quite close by. I was hoping you’d be up, I’ve missed you. I wanted to celebrate your performance with you.”

Yoshiki sat up in bed and ran a hand through his hair. _Always so spontaneous,_ he remarked. “Where are you, Acchan? In a hotel in town?”

“Closer, actually,” came the reply. “Come downstairs and let me in, will you? It’s colder than I thought it would be.”

“You’re here?” Yoshiki’s voice rose in surprise. “You came all this way…” he shook his head awake. “I’ll be right down.” He rolled out of bed and felt a familiar dull pain in his legs but ignored it. He reached for a silk robe and slipped it on as he descended the stairs. _It’s just like him to do something like this,_ he thought. _Since we were young…_

“Acchan,” Yoshiki smiled, opening the door. “Come in,” he opened his arms and invited the other man in for an embrace. Atsushi pulled him in close but tried to be gentle – he knew that Yoshiki’s body wasn’t as strong as it once was, and the performance tonight must have taken a lot out of him.

“It’s so good to see you,” Atsushi smiled back. “It’s been a long time, hasn’t it?” _And yet, you’re handsome as ever,_ he remarked.

“What a wonderful surprise this is, Acchan,” Yoshiki grinned, inviting him in. “Come, come sit with me. It’s been too long. Do the others know you’re here?” the pair sat down in the living room.

“I told the members I’d say congratulations from them,” Atsushi rested a comforting hand on Yoshiki’s thigh and patted the cool silk, “but that I wanted to make the trip on my own, to catch up with you. I figured you would be too tired for a big event with the whole band.”

Yoshiki smiled. “You’re right, I’m exhausted,” he lolled his head against the back of the sofa. “but it does my heart good, to see you.” _Did you see the show?_ He looked Atsushi up and down, wondering.

“I saw the show last night,” Atsushi said after a moment, confirming. “You were brilliant, as always. It’s annoying about the sound techs messing up the mics, but you all did so well.”

Yoshiki made a face. “Yeah, that was frustrating. Sugi handled it well, but I was really annoyed by it. I spoke to the sound guys afterwards, and had to really hold back, you know?” he ran a hand through his hair. “I wanted so badly for this show to go perfectly.”

“I know,” Atsushi agreed, understanding. “I know how much it means to you.”

Yoshiki turned to him and smiled. “Yes,” he said softly, “you’ve always understood me so well, haven’t you?” he rested his head against Atsushi’s shoulder. “I don’t know how much longer I can do this, Acchan.”

Atsushi was surprised to hear his old friend speak so bleakly. “What do you mean, Yochan?” He wrapped an arm around the other man’s thin frame. “Please, talk to me.”

Yoshiki took a slow, long deep breath before he continued, as though considering his words carefully. “I have felt so very tired, lately, Acchan. Before I knew it, twenty years flew by just like that,” he snapped his fingers, emphasizing the point. “I always feel so terribly alone, after a show. No matter how well it’s gone. Since,” he stopped himself, almost unwilling to continue the sentence. He swallowed hard and moved on. “Since Hide died.”

“Oh, Yochan,” Atsushi turned where he sat on the couch and drew Yoshiki close, embracing him. He gently stroked the other man’s back, tracing circles. “It’s alright, you know. To miss him. I miss him, too. All the time.”

Yoshiki sighed into Atsushi’s shoulder. “I’m such poor company these days, Acchan. I’m sorry. Spring is always so hard on me.”

“I know,” Atsushi replied softly. “It’s a big anniversary, Yochan.” Unthinkingly, he kissed the top of Yoshiki’s head, breathing in the scent of his shampoo. “He meant so very much, to all of us.” He held Yoshiki’s gaze for a moment. “He must be so proud of you, of X, from heaven. I know he is.”

Yoshiki held back tears and sniffled. “Thank you for coming, Acchan.” He smiled earnestly. “Do you want something to eat?” He shook his head and patted his cheeks, trying not to cry. “Let’s make breakfast, like the old days. Remember?”

Atsushi smiled lovingly, struck by Yoshiki’s effort to appear cheerful. _I know you try to forget, Yochan. I know it’s hard. I just want to see that smile of yours again._ “Yes,” he agreed, patting the other man’s shoulder. “Let’s make breakfast. Do you still make the best pancakes in our industry?”

*

After a while, Yoshiki really had begun to feel better. Side by side with Atsushi in the kitchen, it was like old times – often, Buck Tick and X would share rehearsal space, and the two group leaders would cook for their members after a long day. They were close; growing up together, into the fame that nearly ate them up.

“You know, I don’t think I’ve ever been to your house here, Yochan,” Atsushi mused as he flipped another pancake. “You always end up at mine, not the other way around.”

“That’s true, isn’t it?” Yoshiki thought a moment. “I’m sorry I haven’t invited you sooner.” He bumped hips with Atsushi next to him.

“Nonsense,” Atsushi shook his head. “We’ve been friends for so long, a small thing like that doesn’t matter.” He bumped Yoshiki’s hip in return. “Though, now that I’ve come here, I think I’ll visit you more often. I had no idea California was this nice.”

“I really like it here,” Yoshiki added, “it’s become a second home. It’s a nice break from everything, you know?”

“I know,” Atsushi agreed.

“Here, taste this,” Yoshiki held out a spoonful of scrambled eggs for Atsushi to taste. Atsushi bent his head forward and opened his mouth, saying ahh comically. Yoshiki laughed and carefully fed him.

“It’s good!” Atsushi exclaimed happily, “let’s eat, I’m hungry.”

Laughter.

*

Some time later, the pans from breakfast lay in the sink, waiting to be washed and put away. Yoshiki had taken Atsushi to his terrace at the back of the house; it overlooked a green field, though the trees themselves were not fully recovered from Winter, even if it was still California.

“It’s much prettier here in the summer, Acchan,” Yoshiki explained, sipping his coffee. “You should come back and see.”

“Will you stay here until then?” Atsushi sounded surprised. “You won’t come home for a while?” He set his own coffee mug down on the table in front of them and turned in his chair to face the other man. “You should come home, Yochan. You’ll be missed.”

Yoshiki smiled weakly. “I’ll come home in May, of course. It’s important for me to see Hide for his anniversary. But… I don’t know how long I will stay, after that.”

“Yochan, I’m worried about you.” _I can’t help but want to reach out and hold you,_ he thought desperately. _After all that we have gone through together, would you allow me that, again…?_ “You’re all alone in this big house, and…”

“Oh, Atsushi…” Yoshiki held out his hand; he took it. “I really am a mess these days. I’ve been all over the world for the film, and preparing for these shows, and having to put on a brave face…” he felt his voice beginning to crack. “Please, talk to me of happy memories. When we were young. Tell me a story.”

“Alright,” Atsushi agreed, stroking the other man’s soft skin with his thumb and forcing himself to ignore the warm feeling in his chest. “It was ’93 or ’94 I believe… do you remember that photoshoot we did, you and I?” he let a grin curl his lips at the many memories that flashed before him. “I still have the original shots, you know. They’re framed and hanging up in my office at home.”

Yoshiki thought for a moment and smiled widely. “Oh, Acchan,” he squeezed Atsushi’s hand. “Of course, I remember that… and each time after that day, too.”

“I thought you were one of the most handsome men I’d ever laid my eyes on,” Atsushi continued, voice smooth. “You still are, you know. Still so handsome.”

“Acchan, don’t make me blush!” Yoshiki feigned embarrassment, shaking his head. Then, after a moment, “You too, you know. You’re still one of the most handsome men in the world, to me.”

The wind blew softly, and the men sat in a comfortable silence that passes only between two very dear friends, who have shared more than a few secrets.

Then, after a while.

“Acchan, do you ever… regret that day?” Yoshiki ventured softly, eyes fixed on a tree in the middle-distance.

Atsushi didn’t respond right away, as if thinking his answer over carefully. “You know, Yochan… I don’t. I look back on it and I smile. Can I be honest with you?”

“Please.”

“I think… I think I’ve probably always held a candle for you, even since before that photoshoot. The clothes and the cameras, they just forced me to acknowledge my feelings.”

“Atsushi,” Yoshiki at last turned to look at the other man. “Why did we ever… why did we stop…?” He asked genuinely. _Why can’t I remember the reason? Has it really been that long?_

Atsushi laughed gently. “There was no real reason, Yochan,” he sat back in the lounge chair and stretched his legs. “Things just began moving too quickly, our schedules always got in the way… I suppose we just stopped being able to… be together, like that.” He ran a hand through his own hair, no longer waist-length. He smiled warmly. “It didn’t affect our friendship, in the long run. We stayed close. So, I never really questioned it.”

“Did you…” Yoshiki pressed on, “did you ever… miss it?” He turned his body slightly so that he better faced the other man opposite him.

“So many questions, Yochan,” Atsushi smiled, picking up his coffee once again and taking a sip. “I did, at first. But I grew content with our roles, after a while.”

“I missed you terribly.” Yoshiki admitted, at last, after discovering Atsushi’s feelings on the subject. “At first, I thought you had found someone else… or that us being together had scared you, been a mistake. I thought about it all the time. I missed the feeling of you lying next to me.” He squeezed Atsushi’s hand.

Atsushi slid a little closer to Yoshiki. “Look at us now,” he mused, the slightest touch of bitterness in his throat. “Two old fools, wishing we could go back and change the past.”

“You’re half right, Acchan,” Yoshiki smiled and rested his head against Atsushi’s shoulder. “We are old, and we are foolish, but… couldn’t we… couldn’t we pick up where we left off, all those years ago?”

Atsushi felt his heartbeat grow quicker. He swallowed hard and tentatively placed a gentle hand on Yoshiki’s thigh. “What do you mean, Yochan?” His voice was soft, unsure.

Yoshiki looked up at Atsushi through long lashes, not saying anything for a while. Then, he whispered carefully, “kiss me, Atsushi.” He brought his face imperceptibly closer, inviting the other man to kiss him.

“Yochan…” Atsushi took Yoshiki’s chin in his hand and brought their lips together in a soft, tentative kiss. In a moment, it was as though the last twenty, thirty years melted away; he remembered it all. Yoshiki tasted the same, after all this time. He sighed and pulled the other man in close. Yoshiki held on tightly and deepened the kiss, feeling a thousand emotions at once. _How stupid we have been, all this time,_ Yoshiki thought sadly. _How much time we have wasted… when we both missed each other’s love so much?_

Atsushi smiled against Yoshiki’s lips and stroked the other man’s hair. “How I have missed you,” he said softly. “Tell me we can start again…”

 _Perhaps this is what I’ve been missing, all this time…_ Yoshiki did not hesitate in his reply. “Yes…” he said, and kissed Atsushi again. “Atsushi, come to bed with me… I just want to lie with you again…”

Smiling, almost unable to contain his happiness, Atsushi stood up and pulled Yoshiki close. “Show me your room, Yoshiki. I’ve not been there, yet.” Yoshiki kissed Atsushi’s forehead and led him by the hand back through the house and up the short flight of stairs.

*

It was almost evening by the time Yoshiki awoke, nestled in Atsushi’s safe and strong arms. Breathing in the near-faded scent of his cologne, he smiled. How I’ve missed this, he thought. _How could we have let such a wonderful thing simply fall by the wayside? Were we really that busy, back then?_ True, the years had gone by with a pitiless fury, and both X’s and Buck-Tick’s fortunes had been great; but now, lying in the arms of a man he once loved so dearly – and if he was honest, that he loved dearly still – Yoshiki wondered if he should have fought harder.

“I’m sorry that time got away from us, Acchan,” he whispered softly. “I forgot just how natural this feels…”

Atsushi, waking slightly, sighed and pulled Yoshiki in closer and entwinned their legs under the blanket. “Don’t apologize, Yochan,” he replied quietly. “Though I have missed this,” he kissed the top of the other man’s head, “I am glad I came to visit you. I always wondered if we would ever go back to this.”

“When do you have to leave?” Yoshiki asked, kissing gently at Atsushi’s neck.

“I didn’t buy a return ticket,” he admitted. “I had hoped… to return with you, whenever you decided to come home to Japan.”

“You were always so impulsive, Acchan,” Yoshiki smiled. “I always loved that about you.”

“Kiss me again,” Atsushi whispered. “And help me make up for all the kisses I couldn’t give you before.”

Yoshiki’s smile grew again, and he did as he was told.


End file.
